Now I am in Guangzhou. I think you all know the reason I planned to spend the whole of the 4-day holiday here, but now I am in doubt of my decision.  

What would you expect to do if you are going to visit your bf/gf not met for a long time? But what I received was coldness. I had been told her over a week that I would come on 2 May, but I was shocked that she did not planned what to do together, but only left me alone and she hang out with her friends. During dinner, she was only playing with her mobile; we seldom talk except she blamed me for failing to buy her dad cigarette. After dinner she went to the snooker room to have her fun but left me idle, so I could write a letter to Theodora, the little Po-chiu girl in NZ. (but finally I decided to write on daily so everyone can read). She felt annoyed when I try talked with her, even pretended to being tired and falling asleep. However, when with her friends she was lively. To be exact, she never paid attention on me except discovered Cat’s souvenir of Czech Republic. 

When she planned to go to net café all night and left me alone at home, I only told her I would like to go to net café. Of course I didn’t tell her my aim was this journal. Back to snooker room before going net café, her attitude did not change, but one of her friend invited me to play Chinese chess, I enjoyed that, only because it is better for being idle. Something ridiculous for me was happened in snooker room. Not only I can’t have any feeling of going out with gf, she made me feel as if not even her friend, only a passer-by.  

Actually, I feel she doesn’t like my visiting, but she enjoys friends visiting her and played overnight in bar the day before I came. That’s why, she claimed, I needed to take a taxi alone to her home without map and guide. But she only showed me in a low intention when we were quarrelling on late night of last Tuesday. I should be glad that night since Man Utd proceeded into Champ League final with my favour Scholes’ marvelous goal. We were arguing once again with our value judgment: materialistic vs spiritualistic, pessimistic vs optimistic. So I thought her asking for me not to go was words with temper. Thanks Valen Hsu (許如芸) and Mavis Hee (許美靜) to clam my emotion down, or I would argue with her beginning with the title of the most famous song of Kevin Kwan (關楚耀).  

Still remember what I said to many friends: Have to give up when the bottom-line was beyond. It is very easy to speak out, but extremely difficult to work out. This was the second time the bottom-line was beyond. In fact, I feel in low efficacy on her. She said I cannot sense her feeling but some of her friends can achieved without her notice. Especially in this day, I thought everything I did was totally wrong. I know I have to motivate her to face directly her recent problem, but she would rather escape and then feeling low self-efficacy. Whatever I suggest, I do and I say cannot, she is not satisfied or only received without comments. After claming down, I doubt we are not the cup of tea for each other. However, I am reluctant to give her up. Nothing about responsibility, but I would lose her life. She had the thinking of self-destruction, although may not become suicide. 

I have no idea for what to do

But I think……

Maybe I need to frozen the relationship again.

Maybe I can feel what Cheer Chen (陳綺貞) wrote in “Traveling is Meaningful (旅行的意義)